d day.

the d word. one that i never thought would be a part of my personal journey or vocabulary but landed on my doorstep several weeks ago.

divorce.

i hear it and i seriously cringe a little. it's real and it happened and it's something i don't know that i will ever be okay with saying out loud. so instead i'm going to share it quietly on my blog because that way i just type it out my finger tips and don't have to hear it out loud when it comes out of my mouth and bounces off the wall and i realize it is my voice saying it:

1. i learned so much from my marriage. i don't have regrets. i am happily divorced which people have a hard time understanding - usually unless they have been here [those could have been listed 1-3 but let's keep moving.]
2. i have had so many people ask why we even got married. james and i committed to our family and invested in our family in ways we thought would carry us through to a better place. needless to say i don't think i would ever marry again for any reason other than big bad love. the real stuff. like in a tv movie of the week. real deal. good stuff. get the point? it would take fireworks and everything my heart desires. and then some. we should probably move on again.
3. i learned that a relationship needs a foundation. no brainer right? i think that if you build/find a foundation that is strong and secure, when the dust settles, you still stand strong. otherwise, you crumble. i wish you could see my face right now. it's respectfully funny.
4. i believe so strongly in marriage. in my faith and in my heart. i do worry that one day i will meet a man who will find the most solid place in my heart and that he will doubt that i know the integrity and respect that comes with marriage. because i do now more than ever.
5. i don't like to say out loud that i am divorced. i'm fine with people knowing i am a single mom, but i have heard some tough-to-swallow reactions right-to-my-single-mom-face from people who find out we are divorced and while i have a decent backbone thanks to all the hot yoga, and know that we are in the best place we could be, it doesn't feel good.
6. i am happier than i have ever been. my faith has never been stronger. my head has never felt higher. my heart has never felt more open. i have full trust and no doubt that i will have [a few] more children and a wonderful husband one day when my heart and my self deserve it.
7. divorce papers are SCARY. to look at. to sign. to set down. [which reminds me of let down aka when your baby sucks really hard and then your milk lets down and god help you if that child comes off because you could probably put a fire out with that flow people. and i kept laughing in the lawyer's office when they would say it.] it is not something i EVER want to go through again.
8.  don't buy your kids the book 'dinosaurs divorce'. it is irresponsible in my personal parenting opinion and i'm unimpressed that chapters would endorse the book at all. i might write my own children's book about divorce, just to offer parents like us a helpful hand. it's an important topic, unfortunately common, and there should be more options out there.
9. if you get a divorce, and you have a small child, don't ever take for granted the trust between you and your child. it is a very important element of your relationship with said little person, and a critical time to foster that trust and continue to grow.
10. it costs more to get divorced than it does to get married in ontario. what the what?!
seriously.
11. eleven? don't these lists end at ten? not always friends. divorce makes you want to go out and buy ridiculous sexy underthings you may never actually wear. do that. do whatever makes you feel good. i personally bought a lot of sexy underwear, told myself i will totally wear them one day, went to pole dancing classes, told myself i will totally use those skills one day [hah]... you get the point. do what makes you feel good. because being happy is more important during times like this than ever.


if you know anyone going through a separation or a divorce who wants to type/im/chat/email/meet about it, totally pass on my blog and my deets. it is a really important time and we are so lucky to be supported and loved through it. i am always open to questions - will be honest with my answers - and appreciate the kindness and warmth that you guys have shown me through this process. i am also open to the less-than-positive feedback and hope that with an open mind and heart you will respect my perspectives and remain sensitive and honest.

big love, and cheers to d day.

-kare

happy fam jam.

today was family day. an actual holiday to remind us of how much we have to love and appreciate about each other. and not only did we get to spend it with cousins, [some] parents, siblings and friends, but we also got to spend a lot of q.t. together.

just me and my marcus:

things we did this weekend:

1. my dad [aka. bmoc aka mega don] and di came to visit! so did my sister laura! and tyler! and grady!
2. saturday morning soccer with little kickers football club [LK FC]
3. we moved [! more details to come. get your jaw off the ground. it happened fast and we are freaking happy about it].
4. we went to harveys [don't panic. after the move it was well deserved plus we got about 47 pickles on the side wrapped up like a separate entity aka meal. awesome.]
5. we had our new condo painted. a beautiful awesome gray shade. grey or gray? grey? gray? the paint sample said grey. it wins.
6. i ran.
7. marcus had his first sleep in his new room [which has a six foot tall caste in it. no biggie.]
8. mommy had her first sleep on a pile of mattresses because my goodness i am busy and by busy i mean fearful of the ikea bed in a box that lays next to the mattresses.
9. we had a fancy breakfast with grandpa and gran di at their hotel and marcus behaved like a champion breed of toddler. is that rude? it's supposed to be funny. not rude. basically i'm saying he didn't break anything, he didn't need a high chair, he ate like an unfed horse [seriously i do feed him often and healthy eats], and didn't scream out any nightmarish squeals that would have put one of the oldies next to us into cardiac arrest.
10. we went to wal mart.
11. we went to ikea.
12. we came home and i found out that marcus is nowhere.close.nowhere.not.even.a.little.bit.like.a. serious.longshot.away.from. being a cool cucumber without his afternoon nap. the child loves him a good nap. who can blame him. so when i brought him home to unviel our new GREY walls at 4:30 he was in a coma. an ikea 75 cent hot dog coma.
13. don't judge our diet we had a lot going on. everything in moderation or in the case of an ikea hotdog, twice annually?
14. we slept in on family day. what a treat. what a wonderful little handsome and well behaved son i have.
15. 'someone' turned my neat piles of ikea dresser tools and screws and goodness into a 'construction site' for their 'tonka dumptruck [thank you kara pratt]' and now my dresser has one drawer left out because the tonka must have dumped one of the dresser drawer rails in a mystery zone. that's funny huh.
16. we walked around our new hood and staked our territory and put organic cotton tea towels in our back pockets instead of bandanas so that the winston churchill suburban gangs would know where to find the organic homemade oat crust mini pizzas and butternut squash pancakes.
17. we went to the library.
18. we went to chapters and got a book called 'dinosaurs divorce' for kids life lessons. i think i am onto something here.
19. i ran again. i kicked my measly 5k's butt today! and it felt good! and i think i might end up liking running! squee! cue the skip it and me running up the stairs like rocky. [it's rocky right?]
20. i watched moneyball. what an awesome movie. did your version come with heart stickers on it? mine did. that's weird. great movie. definitely watch it whether you're interested in sports, business, brad pitt, baseball or all of the above.

this short list is about 10% of what we accomplished this weekend. i can't wait to go to a hot yoga class tomorrow and celebrate my longest run to date and dedicate all of the energy and love i can muster up to the people who commented on my discouraged running blog post a few days ago. mom, alicia, andrea, erin e, erin w, alicia, crystal, jilly, yen: thanks ladies. i had a great run today and will totally hope to send you the best energy i can tomorrow in return. xo

happy fam day. whether yours is near or far, i hope you soaked it in and enjoyed the extra day to love big this weekend.

-kare

saga of a single mom.

the cat is out of the bag. but the blog name isn't changing :)
in case you didn't pick up on the subtleties in earlier posts: the mention of the new role i have taken on recently, the whispers through my posts about 'changes' and james 'coming over' and other hints that i have made while keeping absolute respect for my family.

we have received an overwhelming amount of support from our families and friends and can't tell you enough how lucky all three of us are to be able to make such an important change in our life and be able to do it in a way that is really positive. we are only able to do this 'so well' because of the support we have around us and i certainly don't take it for granted.

we are doing awesome. i am really excited to have started a new chapter as a woman, and as a parent. this transition is a game changer in my life and i have chosen to grab it by the ... soccer balls? it would be so easy to be 'negative' during a change like this, but it is a much more exciting test of character to continue to keep your faith and focus on the positive. so here it is. ten things i want to share about myself since becoming a single mom:

1. i thought i was a pretty productive woman/mom before. now i think i'm partially insane and on crack. i've never been so productive in my life. whether i have to do banking/dry cleaning/grocery shopping/yoga/work functions/dinner/oh-my-god-he-peed-on-the-white-fur-carpet-cleaning/whatever.
2. i work smarter/harder. at everything. i feel like my father set the bar very high and now that i'm doing the solo parenting, i only want to be a better vitamin-selling-protein-sampling-singing-dancing-yogaing-reading-mom/woman/friend/daughter/sister/person. because marcus sees so much of me now that i feel like i need to put a lot of thought towards the impact i have. not just on him but on everyone i'm around.

my dad set the bar high on single parenting. except for these haircuts.

3. my laundry per week is down like 75%. just being honest. so i have a few hours of my life back each weekend to do other cleaning or work!
4. i am setting more goals for myself and marcus than ever. and going after them. and i'm going to accomplish them. all of them. [evil laugh]. i truly have a new lease on life.
5. speaking of lease, we are moving. marcus and i are on the hunt for new digs. preferably that has big old stone-brick and a black roof. a girl can dream right?

i drove by this townhouse yesterday and decided it is my single mom dream casa. 

6. i almost brought home a puppy. then i gave my head a shake. my father would be happy to hear this. [about the head shake. not the puppy]
7. i stopped drinking coffee. i don't know why. i just did and i feel great about it.
8. i'm training for my first half marathon. and doing 30 days to inspiration at my yoga studio. and loving it.
9. i haven't eaten a single chip in two weeks. [seriously. if you know me well, get your jaw off the ground] but i can't promise you i won't be having some this weekend.
10.  i'm super excited to be blogging more these days. it totally benefits my blog that sometimes i have no one to talk to except a two 1/2 year old. altho we do have some wicked convos over here.

marcus is a very lucky little boy. he has two parents who love him more than anything in this world, and most importantly, he knows it. he has also been better behaved than ever [at least during my 6 days a week :)] and i am blown away as usual by how smart he is and his really well thought out questions about these changes and just how awesome he is in general. we are so lucky.

so if you took time to reach out to any of the 3 of us recently to see if we are okay, offer your support, just say you are a phone call/5 hour drive/flight away: thank you. we totally love you. and we are totally more than okay.

-kare