def: amicable divorce

"amica - WHAT?"

On friday night around a table of teapots and in great company, the topic of divorce landed on the tea table. not just my own, but third party experience with the heavy d. Friends do ask how things are post d, but are almost always surprised to hear just how amicable this amicable divorce and transition have been.

I have to wonder ... are we alone in this true amicable goodness? Is it that far off to think two parents can make a great decision and continue to evolve, connected as parents but subtly supportive of each other’s new personal paths? Don’t get me wrong. There will always be moments where we are assured of the reasons why this dynamic is for the best. I have respectfully never had a single regret – not about our divorce, nor about our son or anything in between – and I know he would agree. What carries such an intense and negative stigma has been a natural progression for us – with challenges along the way that we iron out while we keep our eyes on the prize of that precious three year and six month old boy whose heart exceeds his age height hair colour weight and size in a way that assures us we are where we should be and are headed towards our best shape as a family yet.  

1.       We are an open access fam. Which means that while our legal agreement draws a picture of me holding the metaphorical reins, James can call any night/morning/anything of the week and say ‘hey. i’m going to grab marcus after school today ok?’ and i’m all ‘awesomesauce. Have a great dinner and i’ll see you guys on the pre-bedtime flipside’. Seriously. Except I don’t really say flipside in real life. Open access means there has never been a limit on their time together. Marcus is with his dad one day and one night a week plus extra dinners/hours/soccer practices when his schedule allows.

2.       We don’t hold the divorce against each other. To be honest, I don’t think we ever have. It was a decision we made over a longer period of time than anyone except us would know. It was a healthy + natural progression for us as parents to recognize our foundational differences as partners. + while I’m not privy to the convos he shares in confidence, he has never thrown it in my face, nor have I in his.

3.       We still spend time together. Aside from talking about.oh.ten. times a day. We still spend a limited but nonetheless amount of time together around marcus so that he stays rooted in his trust in us as a team and knows we are cultivating a positive + awesome enviro even tho we do it from separate postal codes.

4.       We support each other’s new relationships where it affects and makes sense for Marcus. I’ve even invited his “friend” to Saturday morning soccer to watch my mighty kicker strike like a boss.

5.       We chose not to argue. Well. We try to chose not to argue. While the occasional text tiff over eliminating dairy from M’s diet may or may not occur, I’d say we keep a very tight lid on this and I don’t know that M has ever seen us or heard us argue since we separated. So that’s kind of tha bomb.

6.       We respect each other entirely out of respect for Marcus. We agree that speaking poorly of each other in any capacity is a direct disrespect to our son. If I chose to bad mouth the man over cocktails with the girls on a Wednesday, that’s still my son’s father I’m talking about. So while I may need to honestly vent to trusted and understanding ears once in an organic blue moon, this is something we’ve agreed on since the night we put our hands in the cheer squad and said ‘annnnd...break’.

7.       We are better connected than any divorced/separated/and many married parents I know. Great day at school? We call dad. Body slammed sweet little Riccardo during recess? We call dad. I think keeping James connected in each celebration + challenge is one way to continue gaining + keeping trust from James as Marcus does spend much more time with his mama.

8.       We expect nothing from each other except as parents. Which means there are healthy and realistic boundaries in our communication day to day  that maintain a boat load of respect for each of our ‘plus one’s’.

9.       I do a lot of yoga. It keeps me grounded and focused on my contribution and allows me to detoxify my bod + head + heart on the daily – which means letting go of every ounce of resentment. Anger. Sadness. Hurt. all of the things i truly do not need in my journey. Easier said than done right? I’ve practiced yoga for years but more intensely since this transition and credit it as one of the key reasons I was able to move forward with a heart more open than ever.

10.    We share this blessing of a boy in common. We share his best moments. We share his bodyslamming moments. We share an adoration and love that keeps each of us on track. We hardly make eye contact, I like to think because we are both so focused on our son, exactly as we should be.

The dynamic between James and I will continue to evolve. Just like my relationship with Marcus and just like my relationship with Mark. I think of our family shape continuing to evolve and visualize all of these moving parts, working in tandem to benefit each other and each of us. And while there will most certainly be more bridges to cross as things continue to change shape, I count myself as pretty blessed to have the love of a solid man, share the love of this little boy, and maintain a fairly solid facebook style 'like' with my ex husband - we are redefining amicable divorce + our son will surely be better for it.

ps. did anyone else immediately think of that notorious BIG song when i said heavy d? no, no me neither.

Cheers all. It's tea-time.

-Kare