the d word. one that i never thought would be a part of my personal journey or vocabulary but landed on my doorstep several weeks ago.
divorce.
i hear it and i seriously cringe a little. it's real and it happened and it's something i don't know that i will ever be okay with saying out loud. so instead i'm going to share it quietly on my blog because that way i just type it out my finger tips and don't have to hear it out loud when it comes out of my mouth and bounces off the wall and i realize it is my voice saying it:
1. i learned so much from my marriage. i don't have regrets. i am happily divorced which people have a hard time understanding - usually unless they have been here [those could have been listed 1-3 but let's keep moving.]
2. i have had so many people ask why we even got married. james and i committed to our family and invested in our family in ways we thought would carry us through to a better place. needless to say i don't think i would ever marry again for any reason other than big bad love. the real stuff. like in a tv movie of the week. real deal. good stuff. get the point? it would take fireworks and everything my heart desires. and then some. we should probably move on again.
3. i learned that a relationship needs a foundation. no brainer right? i think that if you build/find a foundation that is strong and secure, when the dust settles, you still stand strong. otherwise, you crumble. i wish you could see my face right now. it's respectfully funny.
4. i believe so strongly in marriage. in my faith and in my heart. i do worry that one day i will meet a man who will find the most solid place in my heart and that he will doubt that i know the integrity and respect that comes with marriage. because i do now more than ever.
5. i don't like to say out loud that i am divorced. i'm fine with people knowing i am a single mom, but i have heard some tough-to-swallow reactions right-to-my-single-mom-face from people who find out we are divorced and while i have a decent backbone thanks to all the hot yoga, and know that we are in the best place we could be, it doesn't feel good.
6. i am happier than i have ever been. my faith has never been stronger. my head has never felt higher. my heart has never felt more open. i have full trust and no doubt that i will have [a few] more children and a wonderful husband one day when my heart and my self deserve it.
7. divorce papers are SCARY. to look at. to sign. to set down. [which reminds me of let down aka when your baby sucks really hard and then your milk lets down and god help you if that child comes off because you could probably put a fire out with that flow people. and i kept laughing in the lawyer's office when they would say it.] it is not something i EVER want to go through again.
8. don't buy your kids the book 'dinosaurs divorce'. it is irresponsible in my personal parenting opinion and i'm unimpressed that chapters would endorse the book at all. i might write my own children's book about divorce, just to offer parents like us a helpful hand. it's an important topic, unfortunately common, and there should be more options out there.
9. if you get a divorce, and you have a small child, don't ever take for granted the trust between you and your child. it is a very important element of your relationship with said little person, and a critical time to foster that trust and continue to grow.
10. it costs more to get divorced than it does to get married in ontario. what the what?!
seriously.
11. eleven? don't these lists end at ten? not always friends. divorce makes you want to go out and buy ridiculous sexy underthings you may never actually wear. do that. do whatever makes you feel good. i personally bought a lot of sexy underwear, told myself i will totally wear them one day, went to pole dancing classes, told myself i will totally use those skills one day [hah]... you get the point. do what makes you feel good. because being happy is more important during times like this than ever.
if you know anyone going through a separation or a divorce who wants to type/im/chat/email/meet about it, totally pass on my blog and my deets. it is a really important time and we are so lucky to be supported and loved through it. i am always open to questions - will be honest with my answers - and appreciate the kindness and warmth that you guys have shown me through this process. i am also open to the less-than-positive feedback and hope that with an open mind and heart you will respect my perspectives and remain sensitive and honest.
big love, and cheers to d day.
-kare
I love reading your blog Karen! You have such an open honesty and a great writing voice. I think this is a beautiful post. You should totally write a kids book about divorce it's a huge issue in our society and I'm sure lots of little kiddies would benefit from it! It seems like you are doing great. I hope you van continue to br so positive while going through so much!
ReplyDeleteGreat Read, Karen. Very well said. I was curious as to what happened but this explains everything perfectly. I'm currently dealing with my parents spliting up and this subject is one that I can relate to. I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that I still get to see your pretty face every now and then. You have a beautiful baby boy that you should be very proud of, stay amazing Karen.
ReplyDeleteLots of love, Ryan :)
Ryan: thank you so much for the kind words. I'm sure we'll still see each other on Westerdam :) I hope you and Sydney are staying strong with the changes in your family taking place as well. It's not an easy time, but an important one for all involved. Hope to see you soon :)
ReplyDeleteJordan: i really will write that book someday! thanks for your kind words and thanks for reading the blog too ;)
Karen, I think you nailed it on the head. Trust between you and your kids is vital, and should be practiced in EVERY situation.
ReplyDeletePerhaps there aren't any good kids divorce books, because nothing is better for the little ones, than good old fashioned, honest communication? What do you think?
I've seen parent/child trust destroyed, with use of the "what they don't know doesn't hurt them" and "When they ask, Deny!" methods. ?!?! Like Hello, Children aren't dump, they probably have the 'cleanest' reasoning skills. (Better than most adults, I'm sure.) Children are also the most observant little things. They catch everything, even the things you have mastered hiding-like emotions. haaa
Making huge life altering decisions, without helping them through it, can be so confusing for them, and potentially corruptive to that trust.
It's great that you are open with Marcus, and that you embrace it.
:) -You Rock.
Hey! Thank you so much for the positive words of encouragement. I couldn't agree more with your thoughts above. Interestingly enough, someone recently told me 'don't try to explain anything at all to marcus that he isn't asking', and since we have gone with that, just focusing on the trust between us and ensuring he knows how loved me is, things are better than ever. Of course we are open and honest though - just important not to confuse him at this age!
DeleteThank you again!