Our original due date was august 23. Then you grew so big +
strong that our doctor upped it to the 21st. Always a Tallman [don't be fooled by the last name ;) ], you
would arrive perfectly punctual and on your own terms: August 22nd,
2009.
On August 21st, we walked into the doctor’s
office for an extra nudge of encouragement aka the sweep. Dr. Proust laughed
when she walked into the room as I laid on the table. Through her laugh of disbelief she said it
literally looked as if you were standing on the table, inside my stomach.
That’s funny. And it was true. The pic in the collage was taken on our way to the doctor, because
I knew you were coming and never wanted to forget the feeling of hardly being
able to stand upright.
As we left the doctor’s, I leaned over the counter to
Jeannine [the receptionist who we shared many a laugh with over those 40 weeks and one day]
and whispered quietly [Jeannine? I’m totally in labour right now.] she smiled
knowingly and said [i know. Call me.]
So what did your mother do while in early stages of labour?
1. Went over the list of to-do-before-the-baby-comes-out. 2. Went shopping.
Please note we ran into friends while in the mall + I hid behind a medela display
having contractions.
We called all of the g-parents to tell them: on the DL,
today is the day.
I made it until 8 pm at home. Never having done labour
before, I thought this was totally routine excruciating pain but would come to
find out that my big, healthy boy had done a dramatic turn to what the doctor’s
call ‘sunnyside up’. aka you were trying to be born out of my lower back. aka
your organic loving + living mother begged the nurse to shoot morphine into her
butt cheek. which they did. Which i loved them for and thanked them endlessly.
Or at least until the morphine wore off and they were holding my hair off my
face while i threw up in one of those hospital stainless steel bowls. About
ninety seven times. [side note: maybe this is where i also birthed my love for
stainless steel.] ask your dad about this. of all the stages and phases of l+d,
this was the only part he couldn’t handle. he couldn’t handle a single of the
ninety seven times so that's how many trips he made to tim hortons downstairs.
With no room at the inn [and by the inn, i mean trillium
hospital birthing centre] the nurse told me to get into a private Jacuzzi
suite. Weird, but if she told me it was a good idea, i was going to do it. So I
swam around in there for about two hours. With each contraction, I remember the
amazing advice that Jessica Gray had shared, and instead of tensing my muscles
against the labour, i opened my heart+ mind+every muscle in my body to
welcoming you. Instead of focusing on the pain, I visualized your presence +
arrival, and visualized passing each contraction as a hurdle, each one a leap
forward to meeting you. Instead of complaining a single time, I stayed positive
+ open to every nurse’s kind words of encouragement + listened. I listened. Your
dad watched in literal disbelief as the contractions became more + more
intense, and my stomach physically, literally took the shape and sharp edges of
a SHOEBOX as the labour progressed. We could not believe it. I feared that
something in the labour had gone wrong and I was about to give birth to a
concrete brick instead of a healthy baby. [sidenote: did this happen to anyone
else? The shoebox thing? I’m not kidding it was literally a sharp square.]
Eventually we got into a room. With a bed. + cable. + a
Manchester united game. +a happy baby daddy thanks to said game. The nurses
came and went, and kept telling your father quietly that the whole floor of
nurses was vying to be in our room because i was ‘so easy’ + cracking jokes
between contractions and didn’t miss a single please or thank you, even 7 cm
in. I took it as a compliment but really knew it was you who deserved to share
that credit as we were already in this together. they nicknamed you the “textbook baby” + asked
if we would allow the hospital to use your labour charts as an example for
training new staff. already, we were so proud of you.
I had an epidural early on Saturday morning. Actually, i had
two epidurals. And neither one worked. I don’t hold it against anyone – i think
the man upstairs knew i had it in me to do it on my own + wanted to ensure i
would have trust in him so he made it so. I’m giving him the upwards side eye
but we’re good. The epi slowed everything down so by 1 pm we started the
pitocin.
Gran-di and grandpa arrived in the afternoon. I had these
solid rules about no visitors but everything was so much cooler than i
anticipated so i invited them in. Oh, my poor father. grandpa has never liked
hospital – often so anxious he needs to find a bed to lay down, and he came in
so quietly and so nervous for me. But today I would show him my strength,
perseverance, and that he had taught me the true meaning of a parent’s love. Gran Di, never one to miss a gift-giving opp,
gave your dad and i a beautiful statue of two parents with their baby. We still
love it to this day.
Once the pitocin was in, i went from 1- 7.5 cm in an hour
and a half. Around 4 pm when the nurse came to ‘do’ the catheter ,i remember precisely
the moment i realized that the epidural had not been working that whole time. I
asked her if it was normal that i could feel everything except my shins. she
quietly said ‘are you serious?’ i nodded. She told me it was too late, we would
be delivering natural. Then you descended. My goodness did you ever. And i
realized in that moment that we had not reviewed the birth plan [you know, the
20 page questionnaire they make you fill out when you’re 6 months along and
then no one in the hospital ever.looks.at.it. again?]. so i morphed into this
lets.make.it.happen. project momager and ran through the short version with
everyone in the room:
Please make sure the
doctor knows we are open minded and just want to trust you and have a healthy +
safe delivery. Do what you need to do in case of emergency.
Please give our son a
gentle wipe then show me how to hold him. Note: I have never held a baby
before. No time like the present right?
James will be cutting
the umbilical cord.
We
do.not.want.to.see.or.keep. the.placenta.
The nurses got the station ready for your arrival. A tiny
hat, a tiny little white robe, towels, a scale. All of these tiny tools to
ensure you were perfectly welcomed. Your dad at this point started to get a
little anxious but was totally supportive - especially after
rooney scored in the second half. I suddenly realized i was about to have you
right.now. + and there was no doctor in the room. So i just told the nurses: i’m
seriously having this baby right now. So i started to have you without the
doctor there, just nurses, and the doctor hardly made it in time to catch you.
It was nothing like the movies. The doctor sat cool as a
cucumber on the foot of the bed and the nurses were unbelievable, espesh our
fave, Rose. You were welcomed into the world in such a natural, intimate + warm energy. One
that i can only hope to recreate again one day. i also told your dad
mid-delivery: i don’t need you to be a cheerleader. I need to be strong for me.
Plain and simple. Don’t cheer. Just be strong. + that’s exactly what he did.
First he counted, too fast. Then, not fast enough. But it was a good laugh and
he got the hang of it.
Ten minutes into pushing, it was almost too much. I
announced to the room that we would need to do a c-section [i’m laughing just
typing that]. And the whole room broke into laugher. Karen, the baby is here.
Just push one more time.
5:17 pm. August 22, 2009.
So i did. And you know what my first words as a mother were?
IS IT OUT? IS IT OUT? IS IT OUT?
Yea, real nice. But in my defense, I was exhausted. 5 foot 3
in heels and birthing a nine pound baby naturally. Give.me.a.break.people.
The doctor laughed and said yes, you were 'out'. The whole room was
filled with the most healthy, incredible cry. Not one i would have expected. It
wasn’t shrill. It was so alive and so loved and so healthy. Your dad saw you
first and was so emotional at first sight. You are just so loved. Then within
mere seconds, your dad had cut the cord perfectly and you were in my arms. Our
eyes literally met instantly. I remember without looking away, just in
disbelief, asking everyone ‘do you all see how he’s looking at me?!’ because i
felt + knew that we had known each other all along. And in that moment, my
heart opened entirely and filled with the most absolute love for you.
in my humble opinion, your best written post yet!
ReplyDeletethank you so much - this post is sure the closest to my heart :) what an amazing day.
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